Clown car, hearse, I don't see the difference.

    Do you like clowns? Yeah, me neither. ::drops mic::

    ::Picks up and dusts off mic:: The origins of the clown began in Egypt around 2400 BC. According to the Wikiti-wikiti-pedia, “Contrary to court jests, clown have traditionally served a socio-religious and psychological role, and traditionally the role of priest and clown have been held by the same persons.” This explains a lot. How Jerry Sandusky never dressed up as a clown for his Second Mile charity is beyond my comprehension.
    Clowns originally were confined to making fools of themselves for the amusement of tyrants and monarchs. It makes sense: after all, there was no Louis CK around in the medieval ages, so nobody really understood what humor was all about. Other clowns would engage in dangerous circus acts: walking a tightrope, playing possum with dangerous animals like tigers and bulls (also known as a rodeo clown), or riding an ostrich. One thing was essential: the clown was “characterized by the grotesque image of the circus clown's colored wigs, stylistic makeup, outlandish costumes, unusually large footwear, and red nose, which evolved to project their actions to large audiences.”
    And if clowns were indeed confined to the unforgiving worlds of circuses and rodeos, where something is wrong if you DON’T have a drinking problem, I think we could live. But no, corporate America and every bad children’s party you’ve ever been to have taken this performer archetype, who is designed to invite scorn and ridicule, and have foisted them DIRECTLY UPON YOUR CHILDREN!

    Want to know the three most famous clowns in history? One is of course Bozo, who may or may not have gone on to be Mayor of Philadelphia,  but who are the other two? Here’s a hint: both of them aspire to kill children, albeit in different ways.
    The first is Ronald McDonald. He was created in the 1960s in order to make children want to eat more processed cow tits. Ronald McDonald was originally played by Willard Scott, who would go on to scare people in an entirely different way by wishing happy birthday to octogenarians on the Today Show while generally acting less mentally-aware than those he was wishing happy birthday to.

This man was designed to make kids smile. Read that again.

    Over the years, Ronald has become an iconic character, happily going about his business force-feeding your children and spiking the juvenile diabetes rate. McDonald’s unironically states that “Ronald McDonald is second only to Santa Claus in terms of recognition.” Doesn’t this scare you a bit? The second most-popular children’s character in the world is a corporate symbol designed to make your kid want excessively unhealthy food. America! What a country! In Soviet Russia, Happy Meal eats you! Or something like that.
    Anyway, this is enough to make me never have children, or if I do, shelter them in an evangelical-Christianlike fashion so that they never encounter the horrors of Ronald McDonald. Sounds pretty excessive, but it‘s not as if I‘m alone on this. Numerous groups have called for the retirement of Ronald since his sole purpose is to make children more obese (oh, I'm sorry, “to protect McDonald's profit margin"). Despite numerous marketing firms indicating that Ronald McDonald is no longer having his desired effect on young children, his corporate puppet masters soldier on undeterred. Maybe it’s because tastes are changing in America and people realize that fast food is not much different than swallowing a stick of butter covered in arsenic. I’m not that idealistic, though. I bet it’s because RONALD MCDONALD SCARES CHILDREN OUT OF THEIR FUCKING MINDS!
    So that’s one, and the second is even worse. Pogo the Clown was a popular figure in his Chicagoland area for performing at children’s parties and children’s hospitals. However, in his “off duty” time, there was something strange about the man who played Pogo. He was always selling stuff that required one to drop by his house, or he would find myriad other avenues to have 14 to 19 year old teenage boys enter his residence. Once entering, those kids usually didn’t come out.

Who could NOT trust this lovable community goodwill ambassador?

   The man behind the makeup in the above photo is John Wayne Gacy, who assaulted and murdered at least 33 teenage boys between the years of 1972 and 1978. While he did not specifically lure victims by wearing his clown costume, nor did he perform any of the murders while in his Pogo-garb, it nevertheless proves the rule that clowns are out to murder your children.
    At a New Year’s Eve party this past week, we all played a game where we threw the names of famous people in a hat and we need to guess who they are using clues and actions (but no names). One of the names I threw in the hat was John Wayne Gacy. This is my subversive way of educating the population about the dangers of clowns. The world needs to know. (That's a lie: I actually used it because it's an obscure-enough name to give my team a competitive advantage in the game, which worked until people started fighting over the rules and it all ended in a draw. Now I have no doubt that the spirit of Pogo the Clown inhabited that room, causing everyone to start yelling at each other. Things were going well, then Gacy's name was brought up and, all of a sudden, shit got serious. Clowns may die, but they never really go away.)
    People who dress up as clowns must know very well that more and more children are mortified by their very existence. That said, what compels people to continually apply the makeup, attach the red nose, lace up the size 19 shoes, and cram nine-deep into a Kia Rio? We are left with no explanation other than the fact that clowns are menaces to society designed specifically to paralyze children with fear. What better avenue for a would-be child (insert heinous crime here) than to dress up as a fun-loving entertainment character and slowly destroy your life from the inside out?
    So call your congressman, tell your neighbors, hide your kids, hide your wife, because they clowns are scarin’ e’rrybody up in herre! I will not rest until dressing up as a clown is considered a federal offense under U.S. law. Screw term limits for Congress, Obamacare, the right to choose, and bearing arms. We need to change one law in this country, and we need to change it fast, before the ghost of Pogo the Clown claims another innocent victim.